silver stands in my pensieve

happy holidays!

merry christmas and a happy new year from baby bear and family

Posted by Unknown at 09:20 1 comments

i stand by my man

i'm seething. i'm fuming.

the other day, i logged on to friendster. one of the rare occasions i was able to, since the IT people have blocked access to the site. i guess this
is their simple christmas gift to us entertainment-deprived employees. anyway, i looked up gigi, who is schatz's blockmate from college. she arranged their block's annual reunion this year (at heaven n' eggs!) and invited me along. schatz told me to look her up from his friends list on friendster so i did. i wanted to know a little about her before actually meeting her. i thought maybe i could find something in common with her and have something to talk about during dinner. found her, read her profile, and testimonials. and i found schatz's ex-girlfriend. just out of curiosity, i clicked her and scanned her profile and found her blog. again, out of curiosity, i breezed through her posts until i found long entries bashing my boyfriend, her ex.

then i flared up. i was fuming as i was reading her blog posts. calling my boyfriend 'idiot' and 'stupid'. telling everybody how she was this neglected,
abused girlfriend. as i was reading, i realized this is what mommy meant. this is a girl who can't let go of the past and continues to dwell on it and continues to be bitter, while professing to the whole world how happy she is with her life right now. what a sad existence. what a hypocrite.

normally, i don't let myself get affected by what people say about/against me. but never try and spread lies about my boyfriend, my family, my boyfriend’s mom and my friends. especially my boyfriend. little miss lion WILL roar and your ears will bleed!

ok, let me go through the more infuriating parts of her posts (mine in black, hers in blue italics).

It may have to do with my personality. Ryan has known me longer than any of our friends that I still have regular contact with. He knows that despite my "personality change" during our uni days when I was going out with a certain someone, he still has the image of the outgoing, outspoken, and often blunt Jennie that he knew back in high school.

That relationship nearly destroyed me. It nearly ruined me. It broke my spirit, my confidence, everything that made me the individual that I was.
well, i think schatz is on the losing end in this relationship, contrary to what little miss kawawa led her readers to believe. but thankfully, schatz emerged from that relationship a better man, a more mature individual, while obviously, this girl still wallows in bitterness. sheesh.

That is the reason why I still hate him, why I could never forgive, and it constantly reminded me of what a fool I was. It made me hate myself.
maybe she still hasn't forgiven herself, that's why she's having a hard time forgiving him.

or, as schatz told me last night, she’s guilty of everything she’s done to him and is covering up her past mistakes with sorry stories such as these. whatever. someone needs to grow up soon and move on. this is a futile exercise: ruining another person's reputation while trying to save one's sorry ass in the process.

As much as I want to, it's hard. How can you forgive? For three years, I was unsure of myself. Three years of listening to a man saying things like:

"No one can love you the way that I do."
funny, i never heard my boyfriend talk to me this way. besides, he really did love her then and took care of her, was there when she needed him and her family does not care about her.

"Why do you need friends when you already have me?"
my boyfriend lets me keep my friends, asks about them, lets me go with them whenever i want. he has never met them but he is eager to (he’s only met one of my best friends, mel). the problem is time. we're all busy with work. the girls and i work in makati, a few blocks and buildings away from each other and yet we barely find time to go out! e pano pa sya, taga-ortigas pa sya.

"Ang arte mo."
again, i've never heard this one from schatz. is this a valid observation or what?! maybe there is some truth to this statement. baka naman talagang maarte. un lang un.

"Huwag kang lumandi."
well, what guy wants a malandi girlfriend? and if she’s not malandi, how come she hooked up with another guy when she was still dating schatz?! go figure.

"If you loved me, you'll have sex with me."
haven't she heard of the scripted girl reply 'if you love me, you'll respect my decision about not having sex with you'? did she want it as much as he wanted it? why didn't she assert herself? i thought she's this ‘outspoken blunt girl blah-blah back in high school’. or maybe she’s not as assertive as she made her readers to believe.

schatz never once forced me to have sex with him. we talked about it and he understood my decision. we're both mature adults now, and we know that being in love doesn't necessarily mean you have to have sex. there is more to love than sex. eventually, we will get there but not now. but sex is NOT the core of our relationship. love, mutual trust and respect for each other are the most important aspects of this relationship.

Sigh... I was a fool to have let this go on as long as it did.
yes, you are. so stop blaming him for everything!

people go through stupid stages, most especially when they're young. it is unfair to keep on blaming someone for something which is also obviously your fault. sure, my boyfriend probably did stupid things before. everybody did! i sure did have my stupid stage, and i'm not proud of it. but i outgrew it. so did schatz, and turned into this beautiful person that i know and love so much. he knows he cannot undo past mistakes but he has learned much from the past and moved on to be a much better person and partner.

As soon as I migrated to Australia, I broke up with the guy I was seeing.
yeah, because she found another guy after only a few months in oz. and she left this out of her post. how convenient.

she hooked up with this japanese guy who also knew schatz. after she and the japanese guy broke up, she didn’t even apologize for cheating in the first place. she even had the gall to call up schatz and say ‘friends tayo ha?’ HU-WAAAT! says a lot about the kind of person she is, right?

It was easy enough, I thought we could remain friends,
if your boyfriend or girlfriend cheats on you, would it be that easy to remain friends? oh come on…what a kidder. ok, insert canned laughter here.

but he called a few times using his mobile phone, mind you, to verbally abuse me. It was then I realized that I have to completely severe ties and never communicate ever again.
oh, where is that darn button on your cellphone when you needed to cut a call?! it's never there when you needed it. keeps on disappearing, strange.

Don't get me wrong. I still wouldn't mind giving him a punch on the nose and a matching black eye for what he did.
i'd like to see her try and lay her filthy hands on schatz…she’ll have to deal with me first before she can reach schatz.

I really want to move on and forget the whole thing.
oh, really? she doesn’t sound like she wants to move on. she wants to move on, yet she keeps on bringing up the past. am i missing something here? will somebody please explain?! one tall creme brulee frappuccino for anyone who can enlighten me!

or maybe…here’s the interesting part…get those kleenex ready. she can’t get over the fact that she was jilted. SHE proposed that they get married, and HE declined. jilted, ladies and gentlemen! what damage that can do to one’s ego and self-respect!

Forget, maybe, but never will I forgive him. He is a reminder of the weakness I showed back then.
but she’s still weak, she’s still immature. what is she talking about?

I want to beat him senseless, carve out his eyes, and shove it down his throat. He is every bit the man that I despise.
oh yeah? and she's every bit the person that mommy now warns us against. little miss pure. no one lays their filthy hands on my boyfriend or else...beat him senseless, huh? not if i can help it.

Yes, I do not belong in the Philippines.
oh, she realized that! how smart! may message nga pala si jax: earth is full, go home. wehehehe. jax-man, you rock! (ok, siningit ko lang si jax para may comic relief)

I do not care for appearances. I do not care for being one with the crowd. I do not care for having the latest of everything. I do not care for being sexually repressed. I do not care for being considered different because I wear glasses or I don't have a tiny body. I do not care for everything that is superficial. I care about being me. I care about having a voice and feeling free to speak out.
yeah, everyone's free to do that, speak out freely. as long as you do not spread malicious lies and destroy other people's reputation while you’re ‘trying to be you’.

I admit that I loved the guy even if he was an arrogant, know-it-all, selfish jerk.
he loved her too, and took good care of her especially when her family didn’t care. mommy accepted her and treated her well. wag na magpaawa effect dyan. pati nanay ni schatz, di mo pinaligtas a. kapal mo rin, kid.

Arrogant because he actually believed that no one else in the world would love me(blech!),
i am absolutely sure that he continued to love you even when you felt like the most unloved creature in the world, even when you didn't deserve it.

a know-it-all because he believes he can help everybody and feels that he can impart such wisdom (blech!),
there is no harm in trying to help people in any way you can. last time i checked, it isn’t a crime to help others. however, spreading malicious lies to destroy another person’s reputation IS a crime. hindi namin kayo tatantanaaaaan! and everything! (go mike! go love anover!)

and selfish because he, in no way, acknowledged my needs.
case number 1: girl had german measles (guten tag) and family and friends did not want to go near her for fear of getting infected. no one helps her clean up and no one feeds her. german measles is contagious and deadly. boy did not mind. he took care of her, not thinking that he might catch the disease. for 10 points, explain ‘selfish’ in one sentence. you have 10 minutes. time starts now.

case number 2: girl owes money to some people (amounting to P15,000) and asked boy to help her pay the people she owed. she left for australia, while boy was left with a huge problem: how to pay all these people. apparently, girl borrowed money from high school friends and was not able to repay them. despite the fact that he was just a college student with no steady income of his own, boy tried his best to come up with the moolah to pay irresponsible girl’s debts.

(i can clearly recall when schatz told me this story. we were heading to greenbelt after yuuki’s birthday dinner and he vented his frustration about the way i handle my money. we both realized we haven’t been communicating well regarding money. he was just frustrated because he didn’t want the same thing happening to us. now i've wised up,and we never have money-related discussions anymore.)

He ripped me of my confidence, my self-esteem, my love for myself. He wanted me to leave my friends because, according to him, why would I still need my friends when I already have him? Good thing I did not agree with him here, and that resulted in one of our countless fights. Imagine being with someone for the first few months and you're already fighting constantly? What the hell kind of relationship is that?
hekhekhek. can’t relate, sorry. we don’t fight kasi e. we don’t have fights, we have discussions. as mature people always do. we never had shouting matches to determine who has the best tonsils or who can make himself/herself heard by the people eating at the pares eatery on zamora street.

I admit, I was insane, stupid and immature.
finally! she got something right.

Now that I look back, it was a horrible situation and I was lucky I got out when I did.
no, she’s got it totally wrong. HE was lucky HE got out when HE did. not SHE.

Now, the schmuck is probably victimizing another unaware fool...
oh, she’s talking about herself, of course. calling herself ‘schmuck’. now that’s honesty for you! give the girl a big hand, y'all!

To put it bluntly, the sex was B-A-D. I felt like
a piece of meat being used for his own selfish reasons. Would you believe I only orgasmed once? Once! In a three year relationship! Only once! Dear God, what is wrong with me? Well actually, the question will be what's wrong with him???
no, she was right the first time: what is wrong with her? if the relationship was sucky from the beginning, did she have to stay and 'be used like a piece of meat' for 3 years. again, what was wrong with her?? most of the time, you get what you put in a relationship. as they say, garbage in, garbage out.

pot: ew, kettle. you're so black.

yeah, little miss 'i'm-so-kawawa-he's-so-masama'. boo-hoo-hoo! nagmamalinis. she probably used him too. maybe she needed a security blanket, needed to feel protected.i guess she isn't as assertive as she would want people to believe. again, lies. again, isang taong may hang-ups sa buhay, ika nga ni mommy. dapat kaawaan.

this guy bought me pineapple juice yesterday morning because i told him it helps relieve headaches and wakes me up. this guy volunteered to stop buying and reading fhm out of respect for me (and my old school sensibilities). this guy lets me go out with my friends. this guy gives me a back massage whenever i'm pooped from work or not feeling well. this guy takes care of me when i'm sick. this guy listens to me and comforts me when i feel down. this guy hugs me tightly whenever i cry (but lets me wet his shoulders). this guy gets into pillow fights and tickling fights with me. this guy enjoys laugh trips with me and cheers me up with his jokes and antics. among other things.

are we talking about the same person??

this is the first and last time i'm going to write about this issue. i will stop reading little miss kawawa’s blog from now on, as i had promised schatz.

just to close this post, miss ampalaya (bitter! gets?), keep it up. you'll never know where your stories will get you. someday your lies might just win you a palanca for fiction. now that's something you can be genuinely proud of, isn't it? have a wonderful life (sarcasm intended).

i believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned - affirmation, savage garden

words of wisdom from the grave:

Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right in the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead

(oh, i’m sure he meant ‘lagot ka’, and not really ‘dead’. vintage john, exag minsan. hehe.)

- instant karma, the great john lennon

oh yeah, just in case my dear blog readers and friends are wondering... no, i don't mind that my boyfriend is no longer a virgin. i don't equate virginity with dignity, anyway. that's my boyfriend: dignified, educated, smart, loving, mature, sensitive and a whole lot more. that is why i consider him the most beautiful gift i got from heaven.

i will stand by my man.

todo na ito, ang haba. salamat sa tiyaga. now i need my white chocolate mocha. i'm overheating.

Posted by Unknown at 12:23 2 comments

stuck in emotional limbo

today is the judging of the quadrant decor contest at the office. our quadrant's theme is 'a kiddie christmas'. or maybe, 'christmas for the kids'. or 'christmas when we were kids'. whatever. we just made angels out of used paper and plastic cups, and made 'dear santa' letters in our best (or worst) kiddie handwriting. not so bad, if i may say so myself. i had fun making my angels and writing my letters and hanging everything around the quadrant. but my heart wasn't in it. i don't even want to go to the hawaiian-themed party we're having on friday. merry christmas. or not.

for a really merry take on the office decor contest, please see carly's blog.

i'm not in a very celebratory mood right now. i don't want to go christmas shopping, i get annoyed by christmas songs playing endlessly on the radio.

ok, i admit, i'm depressed. maybe just a mild form of depression, nothing that really requires medication or visits to the psychiatrist. but i've noticed how extremely dependent i have become on coffee and chocolates. i have been very emotional lately, and always on the verge of tears. if i don't watch it, i might break down in front of everybody. i'm the one bianco should be calling 'iya' (short for 'iyakin), and not reg. at least, she doesn't have the urge to run to the bathroom every hour or so. this is the very first time this has happened to me in my 25 years of existence. and during the holidays too. sad, huh? let this be over soon, please.

Posted by Unknown at 15:07 2 comments